Mountain Mama :: Sarah Nash
I met Sarah Nash early last Spring at a local park and we had a chance to talk a little bit while our little ones played. I discovered a courageous woman who was willing to open up about a very difficult subject, Post Partum Depression, which is a very big reality for 15% or more of new moms....and for some of those, including Sarah, the symptoms are much more severe. I photographed her and her family on a rock climbing outing. I watched in awe at her patience and her quiet steadfast mothering style during the few hours on the rock we spent with them. I see a women as resilient as the rock she climbed that day. I hope her story inspires you, too!
EMP: Tell me a little bit about your life before children...
SN: Our family of 5 moved to missoula in the fall of 2013, when our third and youngest little was only 2 months old. We love the city of Missoula, her culture and diversity, the abundance of the arts which flow through her veins, and her more progressive/liberal persuasions. The transition was difficult though, as it didn't take us long to discover what I've gathered all Missoulians know; wages are low around here and cost of living is proportionately high. The first year was especially rough. My husband bounced around at a few different construction jobs, facing frigid temperatures and tough working conditions, as well as layoffs and meager pay. Following that we spent 3 full months unemployed. All the while I stayed home with our 3 wee ones, who as I write this are nearly 6, 3 1/2, and nearly 2. We've lived these 2 years in a 2 bedroom, 750 square foot apartment. Which, for the record, is at least 750 square feet too small for the level of energy our 3 busy little humans put out. Nearly a year after struggling month to month, my husband finally landed a stable and decently paying job (for Missoula standards) with the county, and our anxiety level was able to relax somewhat. A year later now, we are attempting to buy our first home, and struggling again with missoula's economy, though we are in vast company in this struggle as well, it seems.
EMP: I know you recently moved to Missoula, and one of your and your husband Nathan's favorite sports is climbing, how do you find the time to get out there with three children?
SN: One activity we enjoy as a family is rock climbing. My husband began rock climbing as a teen, and I was introduced to it in college up in Alberta, Canada. We continued enjoying it together casually for the next couple years, and I even climbed a simple 5-8 while 7 months pregnant with our first! We've tried to continue getting out ever since, and seem to make a few trips out each summer. We've moved around a lot the past 8 years and have found it difficult to find young families who share our love of the rock. It's always easier to go out with other families, as parents can take turns watching littles and belaying partners. We hope to find a kindred rock loving family in Missoula someday who can keep us accountable to getting out! Now that our 2 older littles are a bit bigger, climbing as a family is becoming less of a chore and more of joy. Our daughters love struggling up the rock, and it seems to offer a beneficial physical release of pent up frustrations for their passionate souls. And let's be honest, tiny climbing shoes are probably the cutest things you could spend $50 on!
EMP: We spoke quite a bit with your struggles with postpartum depression during and after a couple of your pregnancies, what have you learned in your journey that you'd be willing to talk about with other mothers that are struggling, as well...and also with women who don't have this condition.
SN: This pending summer feels more hope-filled for me than any time period in the past 6 years. I've struggled my entire life with depression and anxiety, which was brought to the surface more obviously and more intensely with each child I birthed. My struggle has been long and dark, and the past 2 years have been the most terrifying, in particular our 2 winters here in Missoula. I've struggled through swings ranging from complete manic chaos, to terrifying suicidal desires lasting for days or weeks at a time. Finally, this past spring, we sought help from a naturopath here, and after many months, genetic testing, trial and error, and many sleepless nights, she has helped me find a combination of supplements that has changed my life. I feel like a different person than I probably ever have. A cloud has lifted from my brain and I feel the capacity to think clearly now! I feel hope. I feel more real, more human! By no means is my struggle over. But the intense storm of the last few years has passed for now. I'm more stable than I've ever been, and I have more tools and wisdom with which to approach my darker days which still do come now and again. I have my naturopath and a very dear friend to thank for that. And so, with this new stability comes hope. Hope for more climbing trips as a family. Hope for perhaps a few years of settling down in life, both practically and emotionally. Hope for my husband and I to catch our breath from this struggle he's unconditionally weathered with me. I hope for my children to see more of the mother I've longed to be. This newness also brings confusion, and processing. For so long I've struggled through life from behind a fog. With my vision clearer now I am left wondering who am I? So much of my life has been lived in survival mode, now that the seas have calmed some and the looming sense of threat is over, I have a longing to discover my soul; Which I think has been off living recklessly elsewhere while I've been treading water! I want to know myself, rediscover my values, passions, my soul! This summer, my husband and I have committed to going out on the rocks as a family more often. This is in part due to the amount of not-so-disposable income we've spent on adorable, tiny climbing equipment. But more importantly, this stems from a desire for more out of life. More than mere survival day to day, month to month. And this shared commitment to more is symbolic for me not only of the hope I feel for a renewed experience of rock climbing, but of a hope for more authentic living all around, and of the beginning of a long journey to self discovery and self love. I've reached the top of a long, strenuous climb; broken and battered, exhausted, confused. But the view from up here is clearer and brighter, and I look at my hands stretched before me, bloody from the sharp edges I've climbed through, and I know that the mother, wife, friend, lover, woman, sister, daughter, human who's hands these belong to, deserves to be known and loved. And so, up here, a ropes length above the man and 3 littles who've held me and shaped me, belayed me and encouraged me, I commit to more. To love more. To live more. More for myself, and more for the ones I love.
EMP: Tell me a little bit about your life before children...
SN: Our family of 5 moved to missoula in the fall of 2013, when our third and youngest little was only 2 months old. We love the city of Missoula, her culture and diversity, the abundance of the arts which flow through her veins, and her more progressive/liberal persuasions. The transition was difficult though, as it didn't take us long to discover what I've gathered all Missoulians know; wages are low around here and cost of living is proportionately high. The first year was especially rough. My husband bounced around at a few different construction jobs, facing frigid temperatures and tough working conditions, as well as layoffs and meager pay. Following that we spent 3 full months unemployed. All the while I stayed home with our 3 wee ones, who as I write this are nearly 6, 3 1/2, and nearly 2. We've lived these 2 years in a 2 bedroom, 750 square foot apartment. Which, for the record, is at least 750 square feet too small for the level of energy our 3 busy little humans put out. Nearly a year after struggling month to month, my husband finally landed a stable and decently paying job (for Missoula standards) with the county, and our anxiety level was able to relax somewhat. A year later now, we are attempting to buy our first home, and struggling again with missoula's economy, though we are in vast company in this struggle as well, it seems.
EMP: I know you recently moved to Missoula, and one of your and your husband Nathan's favorite sports is climbing, how do you find the time to get out there with three children?
SN: One activity we enjoy as a family is rock climbing. My husband began rock climbing as a teen, and I was introduced to it in college up in Alberta, Canada. We continued enjoying it together casually for the next couple years, and I even climbed a simple 5-8 while 7 months pregnant with our first! We've tried to continue getting out ever since, and seem to make a few trips out each summer. We've moved around a lot the past 8 years and have found it difficult to find young families who share our love of the rock. It's always easier to go out with other families, as parents can take turns watching littles and belaying partners. We hope to find a kindred rock loving family in Missoula someday who can keep us accountable to getting out! Now that our 2 older littles are a bit bigger, climbing as a family is becoming less of a chore and more of joy. Our daughters love struggling up the rock, and it seems to offer a beneficial physical release of pent up frustrations for their passionate souls. And let's be honest, tiny climbing shoes are probably the cutest things you could spend $50 on!
EMP: We spoke quite a bit with your struggles with postpartum depression during and after a couple of your pregnancies, what have you learned in your journey that you'd be willing to talk about with other mothers that are struggling, as well...and also with women who don't have this condition.
SN: This pending summer feels more hope-filled for me than any time period in the past 6 years. I've struggled my entire life with depression and anxiety, which was brought to the surface more obviously and more intensely with each child I birthed. My struggle has been long and dark, and the past 2 years have been the most terrifying, in particular our 2 winters here in Missoula. I've struggled through swings ranging from complete manic chaos, to terrifying suicidal desires lasting for days or weeks at a time. Finally, this past spring, we sought help from a naturopath here, and after many months, genetic testing, trial and error, and many sleepless nights, she has helped me find a combination of supplements that has changed my life. I feel like a different person than I probably ever have. A cloud has lifted from my brain and I feel the capacity to think clearly now! I feel hope. I feel more real, more human! By no means is my struggle over. But the intense storm of the last few years has passed for now. I'm more stable than I've ever been, and I have more tools and wisdom with which to approach my darker days which still do come now and again. I have my naturopath and a very dear friend to thank for that. And so, with this new stability comes hope. Hope for more climbing trips as a family. Hope for perhaps a few years of settling down in life, both practically and emotionally. Hope for my husband and I to catch our breath from this struggle he's unconditionally weathered with me. I hope for my children to see more of the mother I've longed to be. This newness also brings confusion, and processing. For so long I've struggled through life from behind a fog. With my vision clearer now I am left wondering who am I? So much of my life has been lived in survival mode, now that the seas have calmed some and the looming sense of threat is over, I have a longing to discover my soul; Which I think has been off living recklessly elsewhere while I've been treading water! I want to know myself, rediscover my values, passions, my soul! This summer, my husband and I have committed to going out on the rocks as a family more often. This is in part due to the amount of not-so-disposable income we've spent on adorable, tiny climbing equipment. But more importantly, this stems from a desire for more out of life. More than mere survival day to day, month to month. And this shared commitment to more is symbolic for me not only of the hope I feel for a renewed experience of rock climbing, but of a hope for more authentic living all around, and of the beginning of a long journey to self discovery and self love. I've reached the top of a long, strenuous climb; broken and battered, exhausted, confused. But the view from up here is clearer and brighter, and I look at my hands stretched before me, bloody from the sharp edges I've climbed through, and I know that the mother, wife, friend, lover, woman, sister, daughter, human who's hands these belong to, deserves to be known and loved. And so, up here, a ropes length above the man and 3 littles who've held me and shaped me, belayed me and encouraged me, I commit to more. To love more. To live more. More for myself, and more for the ones I love.
